Jul. 31st, 2012

whiteadelphi: (Default)

The last little while has been somewhat annoying.  Sort of dropped out of existence due to trying to combat some heavy duty insomnia of the kind that won't let you sleep more than two or three hours in a night (and on one special occasion, 83 whole minutes, thanks body), and while that often meant I would fall asleep for a couple hours in the afternoon as well, there is something singularly unproductive and useless about a life in which you spend a small portion of your time sleeping and the majority of the rest of it trying to sleep.  I've had this kind before, just never so badly; I figured all I needed to do was wait it out.

Several months later, I now manage a healthy sleeping night of 9pm to 4-5am and am kind of okay with this, and trying to pick up the dregs of what passes for my social life now.  Ahahah.  Ahah. Some time soon would be healthy, given insomnia -> depression and loneliness -> depression, and I found in one of my more recent forays out into town (which I'd abandoned seeing for months on end) my agoraphobia had started creeping back in, too.

Well, fuck that. B|


I'm switching from Adelaide uni to Open Education again, because I.  Uh.  Well, apart from health issues?  I just don't have the mental strength for it, apparently.  That is to say:  I learn fine, and I have a brilliant mind, and I can debate issues with the best of them.  (I had huge fun with Anthropology.)  Buuut the first time I had to give a presentation on my own, I got triggered into a massive anxiety attack and that.  Was actually one of the last times I went back in the semester.  Because my brain was too busy screaming AUGH PEOPLE DX and I couldn't face it.

Which makes me feel pretty pathetic, because this wasn't a problem six years ago.  But it sure as hell is now.  I guess I've been sliding in this direction since the last year at the club, when events and revelations cut my ego off at the knees and I've spent so much time ever since second guessing my every move and convincing myself I'm someone people would prefer not to be around.  Which is stupid, because logically if this were the case I wouldn't have people attempting to drag me out for my own good on a regular basis.

Such is life.  The other part of it, I think, is that I should probably own up to the fact that yes, as a matter of fact, I do function best under the influence of high stress or trauma.  And when there is an absence of either, I just ghost through the system.  I suppose Claw Guy was probably correct (if putting it badly) when he said years ago (...akfadfa a decade ago now) that I love to surround myself in trauma.  I don't.  But I'm never more on top of my game than when I am.  Said a career counsellor a little more recently, you get off on stress.  I can hear it in your voice.  ...okay, yep. 

So careerwise.  Temping always appealed to me because I was thrown in at the deep end of a job and I would enjoy it until everything calmed down and then I' dstart hating it.  I'd eventually get to the point of not being able to face going to work because nothing was going wrong.

...don't get me started on how the most fun I've ever had in the last twenty years was putting my life in danger or living by the seat of my pants when there were no guarantees.  It's this side of me that probably meant I could carry the club as long as I did, because hey.  13 years of having no clue where the next rent cheque was going to come from, and I did it every time.   (But clearly enjoying stress also has a shelf life, because you can see how the joy of dealing with the club dwindled year after year.  Honestly, I really should have let it close in 2006 when we were evicted.  But that also triggered the fuck you, wanna bet!? reaction, so there you go.  But that's another story.)

Soooooo...how do I stay on top of my game when absolutely nothing is going wrong?  When there is no stress?  When my existence and the world's events appear to be mutually exclusive?  Becuase most people, I understand, are meant to become anxious and depressed when they're under buckets of stress and relax when their life is going smoothly.  Not the other way round.

Anyway, it's a knotted mess in here, I guess.  I'll just own up to the fact that I have some serious anxiety and depression going on (which is also why I never update anymore, because pfft, really, it's easy to convince yourself people would go "Why are you telling us this?  We don't care." And so why should you care?  Well.  Actually, even if nobody does, it's my journal.  I'm just gonna reclaim it and write what I want to, 'kay.)  I don't have a lot of faith in humanity, because I'm tired of friends just sort of vanishing on me, but yes.  That's a two way street and I should be there for them, too.  (Though word to some of you, guys:  I love you and all, and I know I haven't been in touch lately, but uh.  I have a phone and you have its number, and if I'm always the one that's called you maybe you should give it a whirl in the other direction some time.)

Most days I am just tired of life and of living and am sort of just tapping my fingers at the days going past.  Sometimes I remember that's a bad thing, but then I don't know how to fix it.  I'm anti-social but I'm lonely, and I need human contact but I despise it a lot.  I'm just a big bundle of contradictions and hypocrisies right now. 

* Right here was some other stuff I wrote, but I cut it, because your eyes are probably glazing already.

Also, I need my writing muse back.   But it's sort of wavering on the edges there.  At least i got started on Zai again.


Oh and hey, I rambled about stuff instead of just popping in and going "HI I EXIST" again.  WELP.  Here's the tl;dr version.  I've forgotten how to be strong.  I'm trying to work out how to fix this, but I'm coming up blank.  But I'll do it eventually.  In the meantime, have a wall of text.

Hilariously, I'm meant to be the best man at a wedding in another two months.  This requires me standing up and giving a speech to a bunch of people I don't know, right? 



whiteadelphi: (Default)

April 2017

23 45678

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 02:41 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios