whiteadelphi: (sanguiiiine)
[personal profile] whiteadelphi
Apparently I have two settings right now.  One is "can't talk, busy!" and the other is "can't talk, depressed."  ...8|a  A psychologically healthy person is me, right? 

I don't know if I mentioned this, but when I went to the psychologist, I had to fill out a questionnaire to measure how depressed I was.  I...got a 34.  Which apparently marked me as suffering severe depression, and thus I was actually carefully sounded out by the psychologist as to whether I had any suicidal thoughts.  Well...no.  For reasons I've already been through so many times.  Or rather, I suppose you could say that yes, I get miserable enough that I consider the subject of suicide and how I won't ever do that, but...no.  I'm not ever in danger of taking my own life.  Bleh.

That aside, the issue of my severe depression is not a new one.  However, at my sixth visit, I had to sit the same questionnaire again, and this time I scored a 6.  Which puts me straight back into 'normal' range.   The psychologist was wary about this score.  I knew why I had it:  because I was starting university the very next week, and it was new and innovative and maybe would get me somewhere and would at least get me out of the house.  Thus far, I've enjoyed it.

Give me a two week vacation without it, and I will find myself rapidly despising the idea of going back.  And back to square one.  And therefore not likely to write anything ever.  Well.  Such is life.

So I'm ignoring it.  And will look forward to returning to university on Monday, because my mood will flip like a switch.

...there's an issue here.  I'm not sure how to tackle it.

--------

Anyway, updates.

* I dropped one of my subjects to put myself down to a 3/4 study load, because I found this much easier to handle while having a job at the same time.  History has been deferred to next year!  Still going strong with the other three. 

* I ...am not a big fan of my lecturer for Asian Studies, because he doesn't seem to have certain basic social skills and keeps informing us of things we should be doing at the very last minute.  That is to say:  I do not appreciate being told, right before a presentation that I'm sharing with another student, that "because there are two of you it needs to be twice as long."   Several people in the class actually slammed him for that one, actually.  But he also changes the criteria for what those presentations should be about every single week, and...yeah  Apparently he has kind of a reputation.

* Apart from that, though.  I'm doing just fine at Japanese-- got a High Distinction on my first test.  (Sitting another one this Monday.)

* I got full marks on my first Anthropology exam and...finished it in 17 minutes besides, so I'm assuming that's a good sign.  That being said, i have a presentation on Everyday Resistances to do for it on Wednesady which I'm terrified about, because I get the general idea of what I'm meant to be saying, but...presentation. T_T On my own.  I have no idea what to say.  I suppose I'll probably panic and do something at the last second or ...something. >>  I'll work it out.  Hopefully.

* I now have glasses.  They cost me $200, which is actually $100 for the frames + $70 for anti-reflection glazing + $30 insurance policy on theft or damage.  

* I am also being ordered by my doctor to have a pap smear.  On account of my last period being so incredibly heavy I had to stay home for two days of it because I really couldn't move about (for gross reasons) and drink a lot of gatorade and replenish my iron content.  Aheh.  This may have more to do with the fact that I'm 37 than anything else, but the doctor wants to be sure.  I've never had one before.

* Yes, I'm aware I should have been having them for the last 17 years.  Sue me, I have serious privacy issues.

* ...okay yes, over the period of writing this post, I'm wondering whether I really should go back to see someone, because I'm having serious anxiety over having to give a presentation on my own.

* On the bright side, my agoraphobia has settled back to manageable levels.

I really don't have a lot else to say.  I was more cheerful than this two weeks ago, and I'll be more cheerful again when I return to uni.  Maybe one day I will even rediscover my muse for writing, because I suspect that will help, but don't count on it.  >>;;

Date: 2012-04-16 04:34 pm (UTC)
zig_zag123: (Default)
From: [personal profile] zig_zag123
I use to try to tell myself the class wasn't really listening to me. That most were daydreaming anyway. That helped my anxiety a little. Trying to remember they're all just my peers and were going to be just as nervous and unsure about what they were doing once they were up there. That as long as I studied and did my best that was good enough at lease for my teacher.

I'd also try to get a guideline on how I'd speak through the project.... but would usually forget it after I stood up and walked to the front so I'd just ramble on. Still got pretty good grades for doing that. XD

As for the pap - ugh. I know what you mean about the privacy thing. I always feel so awkward when I have to go. I have to remind myself over and over that this doctor is all they do for a living. That they'd at least forget all about me for the next 100 uteruses they'd see that day. What's one more to them? Of course it doesn't help that I have an oddly tight muscle down there so the paps tend to hurt unless they use the smallest and coldest I forget the right term for them... metal spreader thingy they can find.

I think after how much blood you lost last time it's a good idea to get checked out. Just try to remember it will be over before you know it! Or you can be horrible to yourself like me and also think about how it's better than getting your fingernails ripped out one by one and then dipped in vinegar.

Date: 2012-04-18 06:12 am (UTC)
mikangirl: (No contest.)
From: [personal profile] mikangirl
LMAO you are a horrible perswon. NAILS IN VINEGAR D8

Thank you for all the advice <33 and I managed to stumble thorugh it with just a few jitters! I can only improve from here, right? 8D?

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